It was a shoot day like no other on Sunday. I think it was the only day I could proudly call myself a PA on a drama shoot.

Really makes me wonder what I've been doing for all those time before that. Of course, I made mistakes, but all in all, I was actually of use! When HPY messaged me to ask what she could pray for me that day that the euphoria finally hit me. It'd been a great day! Plus, I had a great time goofing around with Ann and Yaxin. :)

I hope I'll continue to be of use for the rest of my stint with them. I'm finally able to catch up with the frantic workpace up in the director's suite in the studio. Let's just try to keep mistakes at a minimum, shall we?

I contacted Sarah at the photo studio for help with some talent casting and she put me in touch with her husband for another possible shoot on Wednesday. I'm ecstatic at all this great opportunities laid before me. I'm starting to believe I can actually have fun during this period. :) Now if the possibility of an overseas photoshoot actually comes true, I'll be over the moon.

I'm afraid. I'm very afraid. I don't think I've ever been so afraid in my entire life after having a nightmare or a bad dream. In fact, nightmares don't even come close to what I had last night. It was only a bad dream (not a nightmare where you wake up in cold sweat) but it felt so real, and the terror I felt in it was so real that I'm still left reeling close to 24 hours later.

I dreamt I'd been possessed, but it wasn't a first-hand experience in the dream. It was more like an out-of-body experience, and I was in 3rd person mode, watching myself behave like I was possessed. I can't remember what exactly went on in the dream, but I do remember the thing finally came out of me, but it still remained in the room. I wanted to condemn the demon in the name of Jesus, but to my horror, I found I couldn't, 'cos I'd lost my voice.

You can't even imagine the terror I was going through at that time. I was panicking like crazy and yet I wanted to protect my brother and get rid of that thing. And for some reason, I knew I was gonna die that night (in my dream, that is), and that my soul would be taken to hell, not to heaven.

On my way to the bus stop this morning, I finally remembered what had been plaguing me the whole time I was preparing for work. The dream was too horrendous. I'm talking to HPY now, and I'm so glad I chose to tell her about this whole thing. It was really the question about what exactly is a fear in God that started our conversation. She thinks the dream was a spiritual attack and I very much believe it's so. Funny thing is, if it was a spiritual attack, it was quite a fail attempt. Lol... If anything, it's only served to strengthen my faith in God. I don't wanna seem haughty, but my faith in Him has never really been shaken. Yes, I've backslided, but I still love Him and only Him, and never have I considered any other gods.

HPY gave me a very good verse: 1 John 4:18. I read on to 4:20, and I feel so ashamed of myself, dude. How can I proclaim to love Him steadfastly when there are people that I dislike/hate? I think I really need his help and his love to help me love others as well. I'll really try, I promise.

Thanks, Heavenly Father, for giving me such a wonderful friend and parent (my mom) in my time of need.

I wish I can blog everything that's on my mind right now, but I'm so sleepy it's already taking a toll on me just to open my eyelids each time I blink. Lol...

I feel like I'm about to burst after the past week's happenings! >_<

Ew. I've been watching Dance Subaru and honestly, it's a horrible movie.

I'm not a ballet dancer but even I could tell that Kuroki Meisa's dancing was nothing special, sometimes even out of sync when she was dancing with the other ballet dancers. Her acting's still good though, so I could at least finish watching the movie. And I'm surprised she can do pointe!

But, urgh. The music was horribly put-together, the background songs all clashed, or came out of nowhere, absolutely no introduction at all. Plot was poorly put-together too. It's like there's no lead-in to any major events in the story, they just happen all of a sudden. =.="

Plus it's obviously an SM movie. LOL... BoA's 'Eat You Up' and DBSK's cameo, plus Go Ara's role in there. Hahaha... But at least Go Ara's Japanese and English was surprisingly good. Her dancing too. :D She looked better in Dance Subaru than in Heading to the Ground! Hahaha...

Christine is really blessed in so many ways. She has a loving husband and 3 wonderful daughters, an interesting cafe where you get to meet so many different people, and a talent in baking and cooking.

She told me this story today that left me reeling. It further reinforced my belief that God has really touched her life.

( God really works in mysterious ways )

It's my last day at Rocca tomorrow (today, technically). You know how people usually leave a place with mixed feelings? I'm just sad that I have to go. I'd always thought I'd be there 'til the day it closes, but guess not. :(

( Huge eye-opener I had today )

I'm really going to miss Rocca and all the people I've been introduced to while working there. :(

And then, I had to go and watch Atonement just now. -.-" Freaking good movie, I swear, although the sequence could have been improved on a little. I've never disliked any Keira Knightley movie I've watched. :) Almost cried, but I didn't, 'cos... I'm cold-blooded. LOL... Nah, it's because you can't really cry when you're watching a movie from a bloody iPod. HAHAHAHA...

There's this Fred Perry display I always pass on the way home from work. It never fails to make me secretly smile! All because it reminds me of our very handsome Mr. Jung. XD

Work today was horrible. T_T There was barely anyone, and I only sold a grand total of 1 chocolate bar. Depressing, I tell ya.

Tomorrow, I'm going to my godgrandparents' house to look for Gong Gong's civil service card, or the hospital's gonna kick up a big fuss. I really hope Mama will make up her mind soon and decide to stay with us. All of us are so worried about them living alone.

I know it's stupid of me to secretly look forward to it, but yeah. I'm still secretly looking forward to something that won't happen anyway. =P

It's 4am and somebody's alarm clock somewhere out there has been ringing incessantly for 15min. And there's this particular bird out there too that starts chirping at exactly 4am, right to the very second. Interesting. I wish I could find a way to see how it looks like.

Work passed by very fast today, for some reason. And I was very suay. I broke the glass on a photo-frame, and I think my sales hit an all-time low of $6.40 today. Whoopee. There was a very cute Jap guy today that didn't look Jap. He looked more like a Ruan Jing Tian. But he bought from Royce, which was right opposite me. -.-"

I've been staring at the Royce display for a week now, and have only just come to terms with the fact that a certain type of the chocolates they display in their window looks very much like dog shit. Why is there still a queue at their counter when my counter opposite them is ironically empty?

If I'm a customer, I always go for empty shops/counters. Less pressure from the people queueing behind me, 'cos I get to take all the time I want thinking about whether I'm gonna get something and asking stupid but necessary questions.

Too many things to do tomorrow:
1) Visit Gong Gong
2) Check on Mama and remind her to bring Gong Gong's IC and welfare card (?)
3) Bring my bag to Bugis and get that bloody zip fixed before my Bangkok trip
4) Go to work at 6pm

OTOT stuff:
1) Decide whether I wanna contact the Khunstar forum people
2) Flesh out JJRI and do something about that song
3) Finish watching at least Ep 10 of Ggotboda Namja
4) Finish downloading the Bolero single. XD

This isn't very good, but I've been thinking about it recently, and I think I kinda enjoy this unpredictable life I'm leading right now. Even thinking about what's going to happen to me after I come back from Bangkok just makes me scared and excited at the same time.

I just hate routine so much. Maybe that's why I loved being a PA, no matter how many hours I had to put in.

I am going to make sure somebody learns that bloody 'Gee' dance! XD Stupid song that has been stuck in my head for more than a week. *grumbles* Clarice shall be my next victim! After she masters 'Nobody' first. =P

Why do bad things always have to happen together?

I spent Valentine's Day with my godgrandfather in the hospital. I'm really so happy to be with him and see him smile. This man, who's 4x older than I am, is the best Valentine's date I've ever had. =)

I tried to hold back the tears while talking to him today, and I had to force myself to smile at him, even though my heart was breaking. I'm glad he at least remembers my name, even if it took him an hour to do so. How long more must he stay in the hospital?

The nurses can't even tell me in detail what's wrong with him, and all I know is that he has to be kept in the hospital for up to a week, and it all started with a fall. All I know right now is that he has a chest infection and is suffering from pneumonia. Though he only coughs now and then, he looks alright on the whole, really.

I don't know what I'd do if I lose him. I really don't know. I love him so much. And even though his memory is slowly failing him, and even though he thinks he's getting married to me, that I'm his second wife, I still want him to get better, although deep down inside, I don't see the possibility of that happening.

How could everything go downhill with just a fall? He didn't even know he was in the hospital. All along, he'd thought that he was back in his old home, and that the nurses were just helpers he'd hired.

He tried to get out of bed again today. He forgot that he'd "signed" a contract with the nurses, promising he wouldn't try to get out of bed on his own. He also forgot that I've been visiting him every day. He's forgetting so many things.

I love you, Gong Gong. I will continue to tell you that every time I see you, and I hope you'll continue to tell me the same too. Please don't forget me. It'll break my heart.

I started crying at the bus stop. I called Beak, 'cos I really needed someone to talk to, but I just ended up crying. I'm so worried.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should go to Bangkok. I really hope he gets discharged before I leave, or I won't be able to go in peace.

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Jin's bday celebration with the Niaos today was rather short, unfortunately. I came late, 'cos I had to go home to get Jin's present. Forgot to take it out with me. =X

Played games at Mind's Cafe and surprised her with the small durian cake and big mango cake. LOL at the 'Squint' game which Clarice majorly failed at creating a cake.

We had dinner at Waraku at Central, and I stupidly chose the mui-fan wannabe, thinking it would be like the one I had at Robertson Quay with the Getty peeps. It sucked so bad I ended up eating only the liao, and left a huge bowl of rice. It was so tasteless!

Finally had my first taste of nattou, too. XD Um, not that great. It's really an acquired taste. I will never understand why the Dong Bang boys (save Yoochun, whom I can finally relate to for once) love it so much. I think I'd die if I only had nattou and rice for breakfast, like Clarice did that time in Japan. =P

Clarice is going to Japan in March for her exchange trip! I really wanna go over to visit her, and perhaps even attend an Arashi concert (if we both have the money). I gotta start saving up now!

And find a proper job. -.-"

Plus, there's the maybe-Qingdao trip in June/July to look forward to. Let's hope it gets finalized. I'm kinda excited for it! Though there'll be a huge problem with my job. -.-" But we'll get to that when it comes.

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One quick update about work.

There was this guy who came to us and bought a heart-shaped box of chocolates from us on Vday. He wanted Wirda to send the chocs to this girl who worked upstairs, so he went to buy a bouquet of flowers to accompany the chocs.

Wirda said (not to his face, of course), "How insincere. If I'm the girl, I would've wanted him to give me the chocs in person."

I said, "If I were the girl, based on his looks and behaviour, I wouldn't want him to appear in front of me at all."

Yiling just laughed out loud. LOL...

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I've officially given up hope on my brother.

How can you continue to love and care for someone if he just doesn't give a damn? It's as if the whole world revolves around him, and he just doesn't care for anything that doesn't go his way.

I was talking to Alvin and Daniel on Friday, and I really wish I could exchange brothers with Alvin. =( Unfortunately, not even Alvin wants my brother. For real. That's how bad he is.

Saturday's mahjong session was the last straw.

"Don't you tell me to shut up."

Don't you know that when your elders tell you to do something, they always have a reason? Will it kill you to listen to them for once? I asked you to shut up because I didn't want you to get involved in Jie Jie and Mama's argument, but you obviously don't give a damn.

I give up. I'll stop caring. Do what you want. I don't want to give a damn anymore. I'll be just like you.

Welcome to the beginning of a loveless family.

But I still am, ok!

This doesn't usually happen to me unless I'm doing something related to that occasion, then I'm constantly bombarded with reminders that bloody Valentine's Day is coming. 'Cos seriously, if I'd been caught up with work like I'd been last year, I would've totally forgot about Vday (like last year), and all would have been well.

But, NO.

I just have to sell chocolates for Vday!

And so, here's to more daydreaming at the counter for the day some cute guy will walk up to me, select the big heart-shaped (because he's not miserly enough to get the small one) chocolate assortment, pay for it, then push it across the counter and say, "It's for you."

Cute Guy (whoever you are), I give you 2 more days! That's more than enough time to appear, ok? Since I'm working tomorrow, and on bloody Valentine's Day, too. =(

Sales was at an all-time high of $550+, all thanks to me. Whee!

Khai says to flirt with customers, 'cos that's what he and the other guys do.

Uh, no.

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Amos says it's a surprisingly small funeral. I hate to say this, but he's right. I'm just glad that Mummy's side of the family is rather huge, so most of the people there were family members.

And even if you're church members, it's still courtesy to be at the wake by 11, latest, instead of turning up at 1 or 2am like at Mama's funeral, or continuing to be a no-show at 12am at my aunt's funeral. What kind of an example do you think this presents to non-believers? I'm so disgusted.

I'm so tired, though. Spent most of the rituals staring into space, or watching the joss stick burn. It's quite interesting, though sometimes I feel like a hypocrite, holding a joss stick and bowing to the coffin when I neither like nor understand why I'm doing it.

And then when I get bored, I start watching the youngest of the 3 monks conducting the rituals, because he is so obviously falling asleep while chanting. His eyes are closed most of the time, and he didn't even see the head monk bowing to him, so of course, he didn't bow back. Amos noticed his closed eyes too. XD

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I've a very bad habit of editing my posts right after I post them, and adding more stuff to them. So stupid, right? Angel, kick it!

Anyway, can I say I love the liquid eyeliner I bought from Skin Food during my shopping trip with Han Han and Jins? So easy to apply (getting there, ok!) and so easy to remove (just rub it off!). Best thing is, I think I'm starting to have double eyelids just from 4 days of applying this eyeliner. XD

Ok, Angel. Stop deluding yourself. -.-"

It was the worst way to see you go, and what I would've given to have you go even more peacefully than you had. My heart skipped a beat each time I saw you take just a little too long to catch your next breath.

It's too late for apologies, but I still wish I'd talked to you a little more, visited you a little more, and took the time to appreciate all that you've done for me.

I wish I could've helped you get to know God too, for eternal life is the best thing I would ever wish for you to have when you pass on.

Mama misses you a whole lot, and I know you know that too. Please have faith in us that we'll take good care of her in your stead. Go in peace.

To the most dedicated aunt I've ever seen: I'll miss you.